Monday, August 15, 2011

Why me?

This is a question that we all can't help, but ask sometimes. When things go wrong, we wonder why is this happening to me? During the first part of my cancer journey, that thought never crossed my mind. I never felt the urge to ask God why is this was happening to me, why my family was having to go through this, why my little babies were having to watch their mommy be sick and not take care of them the way I should. From the day of my diagnosis I decided to trust that God had a bigger, better plan that I did. I had to convince myself to let go and believe without a shadow of a doubt that He was in control. There was absolutely nothing on this earth that I could do to make this go away. All I could do was pray for comfort and peace. He answered my prayers and for the most part I was at peace with what was going on.

However, I'm going to be honest. When I first found out about the recurrence last summer, my first emotion was anger. I felt that I had already put in my time to this disease, that I had beat it once and it wasn't fair that I was going to have to go through it again. Why? This was honestly the first time I felt the urge to ask "Why me?" If God loved me, why was I having to go through this AGAIN! Once more I found peace in knowing that I wasn't in control.

I'm so thankful that God chose to heal me. He literally performed a miracle in my body. Multiple doctors have said that my healing was a miracle. Along the way, I have met many young colon cancer survivors in person and through the internet. I have been following one strory since last December. It is of a young girl named Leah, I believe she is 19. Her diagnosis was also Stage IV Colon Cancer. (You can find her story at this link. Leah has tried every conventional treatment that's out there for Colon Cancer and unfortunately, the cancer has continued to grow. They have told her parents to just make her comfortable. My heart literally breaks for this family. This young girl had her whole life before her and now it's been taken right out from under her. Her family is still trusting that God loves her and they are finding comfort in knowing that. I read her latest update this afternoon where her mother wrote that she doesn't wake up anymore. I couldn't help it and before I gave it a second thought I (although obviously very thankful for my healing) thought why me? Why did God choose to heal me? I don't know. I truly don't know the answer to that, but I'm so, so thankful!!! I will continue to share my story and encourge people to never give up! Trust that God has a plan for each of us and take comfort in knowing that He is in control!

Tuesday, August 16 -- I just found out that Leah passed away this morning. She is no longer suffering or in pain. Please pray for her family.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Birthdays and First Grade

August is our month for celebrating! We have multiple family members with August birthdays. Mine was actually on the 10th. This was the first one that I've celebrated cancer free since I turned 29 in 2008. It felt so great to feel secure with my future. Although nothing in life is certain, I didn't question wether or not this would be the last birthday that I would get to celebrate! Last year I had found out about my recurrence the day before my birthday. What an awful present! I remember crying all day on my birthday, wondering if I would still be alive to celebrate another one a year later. Thankfully, I am here and I did get to celebrate another one and most importantly.....I celebrated it being CANCER FREE!!! Thank God! I have always tried to make the girls feel special on their birthday, but I especially do now. Ava's birthday is on Tuesday and I am putting together her "candyland" bash for next Saturday! I can't wait to celebrate my sweet little Ava! What a gift she is in our lives!

So, this year on my birthday I have to admit I did get a little teary eyed a time or two. Nothing to do with the cancer, but because I sent my oldest baby girl to first grade. She is going to Scott School this year. She insisted on riding the bus, which I must admit I wasn't too thrilled about at first. I did go ahead and let her ride it, but I followed it on the first day. I was so proud of her. She was such a big, confident girl. She was a little nervous, but she hopped right on that bus. She had a great day and her only complaints were that you don't get to play very much in first grade and that it is long. A little different than half day kindergarten. I have no doubt that she will adjust quickly and love it before long!